October 22, 2009.

October 22. This day is so special. Today, 5 years ago, was a day that changed mine and my husbands lives forever. 5 years ago, I had a 'gut feeling' that I was pregnant. I was never pregnant before, I didn't even know what it would feel like.. No idea. I just felt it. So after a few days, Walter and I went to Walmart. We picked up a test. The kind that says with words "pregnant" or "not pregnant" so there'd be no mistake with lines. "Results 5 days sooner...5 days!? It takes that long to find out!?" Walter asked me. Then, I watched my boyfriend feel uncomfortable purchasing a pregnancy test at the register. It was all as if we were in an episode of Friends or something. This wasn't exactly planned, even though after a talk before hand, it wasn't exactly not planned either. Anyway.. I smoked my last cigarette (ever! ew!), I took that pee, I came out to the sound of Knocked Up, by Kings of Leon (good one, babe!), I stood leaning against the bedroom wall with my legs shaking so bad that I had to sit down. Then.... There it was "pregnant". PREGNANT!!!! I was pregnant. We were having a baby. What an incredible day. And here we are, 5 years, a wedding, 3 babies, a new city, and the happiest life later. How amazing. Life is amazing. I'm so in love with my husband, and I really like him too! We're so lucky to have each other, to spend the rest of our lives together. I don't think any two people have ever been so right for each other. 

These last 5 years have been more than I feel that I deserve. I'm so thankful. 

Camera phones weren't what they are today.. Hah! 

<3

I was 41 weeks pregnant in this picture. Awesome was born the next day. 

3 months of 3 kids.

Moon, you're 3 months old now. You've rolled belly to back a few times, you smile a LOT, you eat a lot too..you're huge! You wear clothes, anywhere from 6-12 months in size! Haha! According to those annoying growth charts (that I don't pay attention to and your pediatrician doesn't even tell us about) you're above 95% for both height and weight for your age. You're pretty great. You're big brother and sister think you're just fabulous (well, you are!) and they love to pet you..that's what Christmas calls it. Christmas likes to hold you and squeeze your cheeks. Awesome likes looking at you. I catch him just staring at you, smiling, all the time. He tells us how cute you are. You've got some great older siblings. When you can start actually playing with them, you're going to be ecstatic! I kinda think you're going to be one of those babies that starts walking super early, so you can try to keep up with Awesome and Christmas. (Please don't though. Please stay a baby forever.)

So we're 3 months in to having 3 kids now. It's hard. It's fun! We all have our moments. I don't know why daddy and I have started trying to drink only water...with 2 toddlers and an infant, that just sounds ludicrous. Caffeine seems like a necessity. We'll figure that one out. Awesome has a baby book. With pretty much the whole first half filled in. Christmas has a baby book, I think her name is in it.. Moon Unit, my dear, you don't even have a baby book. Ugh. When we became parents, I told myself this wouldn't happen. I said that every page, every question, would be filled in. Every detail. That's ridiculous. It was a romantic idea, something to shoot for. But I can't. I think about it more often than I should. I let it get me down more than it should. I hope you don't hate me for that some day. Luckily, I take hundreds of pictures a week. You basically will have a flip book to look at. I may not have all of your firsts written down, but I bet I have a picture or video!

I planned on writing more, but I completely lost track of my thoughts. While writing this, I've had to stop to draw random fruits and vegetables on a magna doodle, and calm down a tantrum.. And right now Awesome is starting the "sissy is touching me" stuff. So...

Until next time. 

I've been thinking.

I have been seeing a few articles about parents with (young) transgender kids. They are some pretty beautiful articles. Good reads for sure. And they've really got me thinking. 

I have thought to myself before about the possibility of 1 (or 2, or all 3) of my kids being gay. My only hope for my children and their sexuality is that they're proud, happy and feel no reason to hide it from me, daddy or the world. 

I never thought about the possibility of any of my children being transgender. I was lucky enough to be born into a body of the gender that I feel is truly me. I'm very thankful for that. Others aren't as lucky. Others know from the very beginning that something is off, something is wrong.. And some people change it, while others don't. Some people go through depression. The fact that some of these "some people" are 5 year old kids, brings tears to my eyes. I can't even begin to imagine what these kids are feeling. I want to hug them, every single one. I want every kid that these kids meet, to be 100% understanding. Maybe understanding isn't the right word. I just don't want these kids to be judged or looked at any differently. By other kids or adults. If any of my children ever feel that the gender that they are now, isn't who they really are, I have the same hopes for them... For them to be happy, proud and feel no reason to hide it from anyone ever.

I feel like I can easily say that Walter and I are raising our children to feel comfortable with who they are. Gender norms are out the window for anything our kids want to do. I just hope that they don't listen too much to what society has to say about anything. Awesome has worn multiple dresses and skirts. He loves to paint his nails and wear "fancy shoes" (dress up high heels). He loves that stuff right now. But recently he asked me if ballet is only for girls. That sucks! Why would he even think that or question it? All this work we've done to teach our children that NOTHING is "just for girls" or "just for boys" and he asks that. Of course I told him "NO WAY!!" But with his 4 year old mind, that was the end of the conversation. So who knows if he believes me or even cares. 

I want the best for my kids. I want the best for all kids, but I'm just working on my own right now. I want my kids to be 100% happy, comfortable and themselves. I want other kids and adults to feel the same about themselves and my children. If my kids want to wear clothes that aren't typical for their gender, I don't want anyone to question them or make them feel uncomfortable. Walter and I have worked hard to get our children to where they are, and 1 comment can damage that so fast. 

There are about 1billion things that I've thought about my children having, being, doing, what ifs..

I just really really hope that comfortable is on their list of what they are. I want them to always be comfortable. Not with just me and daddy, but with the world. 

This is the latest post I've read. 

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/5760738?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000037

I'd like to read the book too. 

No time.

I would like to blog more. A lot more. Daily would be amazing! Once a week would be great. Once a month would be realistic and super! I can hardly make sure I shower and brush my hair every day. So blog, and blog readers.. I'm sorry. 

Let me try to get some quick thoughts out.

Moon Unit is 7 weeks (and 2 days) old. She sleeps great, eats great, is gaining weight like a champ and is ridiculously cute. We've gotten the cutest little smiles out of her. She's got rolls on rolls. She still just has peach fuz for 'hair' and it's beautiful. She's an amazing baby. 

Awesome continues to be the best big brother ever. He's dying to give Moon a bottle, and I just pumped, so he will be able to today. He is so smart, and gets smarter every day. Some of the things he says..we're blown away. He's going to be starting preschool soon... Ahhh! MY BABY!! As scared and nervous as I am, I'm super excited too. Awesome has been asking to go to school since he learned what it is. He loves learning and friends. He's going to do so well. I can't wait to see this new step for Awesome.

Christmas is suuuuuch a great big sister! She is all over "New Baby" (as the kids call her. lol) always asking "Where is new baby?" "Can I kiss new baby?" "Can new baby come?" "Can I hold new baby?" "New baby is looking at me!" followed by the happiest smile. She is still in her terrible two stage, but she is getting better. Less tantrums. Phew! I can't get over how smart this girl is, stubborn too. I know every parent thinks their kid is the next Steve Jobs (or whoever you want to say) but seriously. Her brains and stubbornness...while a tough combo for us as parents now, it'll be great for Christmas later. 

My husband! Ahh my babe. We have about 7 billion things going on in our lives (literally ;) 7 billion lol). We have just recently sort of figured out how to get some good baby free time with little at home date nights with long talks, big decisions and fun with just each other. Its really great. Like really really great. I'm so in love. 

Baltimore!! EK! We're coming for ya!! I don't have much news on this yet. Just that we have started our process. It's not happening tomorrow. But it's happening. We are beyond stoked for this move. I love Philly, and I always will. The memories we have made here are perfect. But, Baltimore....I don't even have the words to explain how excited I am. We all are! Ahhhhhhh!!!!!! SO. EXCITEDDDD. 

And now that I managed to get some thoughts out inbetween the kids, cleaning, not showering and whatever else I'm supposed to be doing.. I guess I'll get back to work now. Awesome has been asking for grapes since I started typing.  Sorry dude. 

Month 1.

Here we are! We have made it 1 full month of 3 kiddos. Would I be absolutely insane if I said it wasn't too hard? It was hard, but now that I'm looking back on it, it wasn't so bad. There were too many fun, cute, really special moments to think about the hard stuff. Moon is a great sleeper. Awesome and Christmas have their nights of crappy sleep, but they're pretty good now too. We have figured out how to leave the house and enjoy some time out and about. Thank god for babywearing!! Moby and Ergo, I'd be lost without you! I would be completely lost without my amazing husband. Walter.. You have managed to get even cooler and greater than you were, the day we met at the burrito shop. You're the best father. you really are. Thank you. Thank you for telling me (and then telling me again when I don't listen the first time) "go upstairs with Moon, just lay around and nurse, watch at least 1 tv show.. I'll bring you a snack." or "I'm taking the big kids to the park, relax at home with the baby." and for our babies are sleeping late dinner date nights. Or when you tell me to run to the store completely alone while you wrangle Awesome and Christmas while holding and rocking Moon. You have no idea how much all of that means to me. I don't think I fully know either. But I know I need it and I really appreciate it. Awesome, you're such a good big brother. You've got so much love, and your sisters are lucky to have you. Christmas, it's really exciting to see you as a big sister. The way you smile at Moon. The way your whole demeanor changes. The way you stop, rub her arm and quietly say "I love new baby."  Moon, you're 1 month old today. You're beautiful and you have added to our already pretty fantastic family. 

I love this. 

A letter to Moon.

Dear Moon, 

I'm not even sure what to call you. Moon. Moon Unit. Snoopy (that's what your big brother named you before you were born). New Baby (that's what me, daddy, Awesome and Christmas have all been calling you for a while now). Anyway.. Today you're 1 week old. I know 1 week doesn't seem old, at all. But to me, right now, it is. I was just pregnant with you, just in labor, just getting to see your beautiful face for the first time. And now, I've been staring at you for a whole week. 

You're incredibly loved, Moon. 

The way your daddy looks at you. The way he rocks you. The way he talks to you. The way he wanted you. The way he named you...I hope you love your name, because it means so so much to your daddy, Moon Unit Zappa Smith. 

Your brother and Sister argued over who got to hold you, the first time they saw you in the hospital. The way they smile when we carry you into the room. The way they gently touch your hands. The way they give you little kisses. I'm sure that'll all change, and you'll all be fighting over something, soon enough. But they sure do love you, and always will. 

I'm nursing you right now as I type this letter to you. This is one of my favorite things to do right now-nurse you. You're always gorgeous, but they way you look while nursing is so special. Ahh and your ears.. I loooove your little baby ears. And nose! And cheeks! And thighs! I could go on forever. The little sounds you make. You're not much of a crier. Yet. You have that new baby smell, such a good smell! 

Thank you for joining our family. I hope you like us. ;) We definitely like you! 

Love, 

Mommy

Moon Unit Zappa Smith

July 11, 2014

12:35am

8lbs 11oz

21in

<3

Moon Unit Zappa Smith

I'm currently laying in a hospital bed, cuddling with a snoozing brand new baby. New Baby Snoopy is here! Ok, but now she has a real name. Moon Unit Zappa Smith. She is 8lbs 11oz and 20in of pure adorableness. 

So who wants the "ITS GO TIME!" story!? :)

Around 7:30 on Thursday night I was getting Awesome and Christmas into bed as usual. Except neither of then would fall asleep. It got to about 8:15ish and I felt a contraction that was a little uncomfortable. I went into another room to get my phone, so I could keep track of my contractions. When I picked my phone up.. my water broke. It actually broke! I never had that happen before, and I definitely thought that maybe I just peed myself. I mean, I've been peeing myself a lot lately.. Thanks pregnancy. I called Walter right away "Hey babe. I think my water just broke. Or maybe I peed myself.." I realized that it was definitely not pee. Then I called my mom, who was already planning on coming down the next morning because we had a feeling labor was close by (we were right). Then, I get the kids out of bed, and I'm trying to tell a 4 year old and a 2 1/2 year old that mommy's water broke and new baby is coming soon. 

Some quotes from Awesome:

"We can just fix the water. How did it break?"

"Are you going to pee New Baby out right now!?"

"I'm still happy."

"So. Your water broke..." 

"Daddy, mommy's water broke!" 

Anyway.. I get my bag, and get a few things together and Walter gets home. It's go time! He tells me that he ordered pizza and we're going to swing by and grab it on our way to the hospital. I love that man. I love him so much. We stop to get the pizza and it's not ready.. So obviously we go get gas, and then come back for the pizza. Who wants to go into labor hungry!? It's hard work! We get to the ER, and I'm wheeled in, eating my pizza. We get checked in, blah blah blah.. And the kids are getting wild, running all over the place. Understandably so, it was late, they were tired, and a little hospital room isn't really a fun space for them. So our amazing friend Krys Belc was all "dude, bring them here!"  She saved the day! Daddy dropped the kids off, got back to the hospital, and then it was really go time. 12:35am we got to meet Moon! Everything went well and as planned. Drug free, and just totally great! My mom, little sister, little brother and his girlfriend all came to visit us minutes after Moon arrived. :) Awesome and Christmas are now spending a few days with my parents. Mommy and daddy are missing them like crazyyyy. I can't wait to be home, get settled, and get into our new groove. 

I love this. This is what I was made for.

Love!

A quote that I've never loved or felt so strongly about.

"It's not our job to toughen our children up to face a cruel and heartless world. It's our job to raise children who will make the world a little less cruel and heartless."- L.R. Knost

The big 0-4, and the many reasons I cry.

Awesome is almost 4. 4! 4 whole freaking years old! It really does feel like just yesterday we were staring at him in the hospital. It seems like he was just learning how to roll, sit, crawl, stand, walk, run, talk. He's a real person now. I mean, he's always been a real person, but now he's really real. He has thoughts, opinions, his own likes and dislikes. It's crazy. It's weird what little random things really make me think "holy crap, he's not a baby baby anymore". Like when he tried telling me "I don't need my banky.." when he was going to bed. Or when he said "It's a cement truck. I just called it a may-boat when I was a baby. I'm not a baby now". Or when he asked specifically to listen to Firework, by Katy Perry, and then danced his little butt off to it. Or when he says things, and I ask "how do you even know that?!". He's so smart. He knows things that we haven't taught him. He remembers things from a long time ago. He thinks about the future. He can count by 2's, write his name all by himself, crack eggs without getting shells in the bowl... He's amazing. And so, I cry. I cry because I really would like to just be able to hold and snuggle my baby forever, but I know I can't. I cry because I'm so happy with who Awesome is growing in to. I cry because I know that his feelings will get hurt (more than once, more than he'll tell me, and more than I'll be able to fix with a hug and kiss). I cry because I see the littlest bits of me in him, and it's really cool to see. I cry because I see the bond that he has with his daddy, and that's super cool to see. I cry because I get frustrated that not everything is easy. I cry because his food allergies still scare me and his eczema still gets so bad that daddy and I would do ANYTHING to take it away from him and give it to ourselves, just to give Awesome some relief. I cry because he has an imagination and uses it, and that's such a great thing. I cry because he's going to go to school soon, and that means I will get less time with him, and I will miss out on things. I know that's selfish of me, but it's how I feel. I'm kinda selfish when it comes to our babies. I also cry because I'm pregnant, and I've got some crazy hormone stuff happening. Pregnancy does that. But I also know me, and I know I'm a cryer. 

4 years.. Wow. 4 years of Walter and I being parents. 4 beautiful years. Even though I'd like to keep my baby a baby forever, I really can't wait to see who he continues to grow into. Because I know it's just going to keep getting better and better.

This parenthood thing is amazing. It's what I was put on earth to do, and it makes me so happy. Even on the hardest, sleepiest, fussiest days. For every cry, there's at least 1 hug, kiss, smile, giggle and funny thing to follow. 

Happy 4th birthday Awesome. Mommy and daddy are incredibly proud of who you are, and super thankful that we get to be your parents. We love you so freaking much, Worm. 

New Baby Snoopy is coming soon.

Looks like I'm actually starting that blog I've been talking about for a few years. Let's see how this goes. 

This Friday I will be 36 weeks pregnant. My due date is ridiculously close, like closer than we realize. I can't wait to hold this new little babe in my arms. To kiss her tiny baby nose. To see what her ears look like. I freaking LOVE baby ears.  To watch her wrap her tiny baby hand around one of daddy's fingers. To see Awesome and Christmas meet their newest baby sister, "Snoopy". To watch how much love just pours out of their little bodies! I'm ecstatic. 

And I'm scared. This is our 3rd kid... We got this! Right? I mean, I know we do. But I'm still scared. Is it because I'm stressing over fitting 3 car seats in the back seat?  That's harder than you realize, if you've never done it. Who goes where? Is it because I'm wondering how I'll manage to keep 2 toddlers and a newborn happy all day long? Is it because our 2 toddlers still aren't perfect all night long happy sleepers? Is it because daddy will now seem a million miles away at work in Cherry Hill (it's seriously like 1 mile farther than Callowhill)? Is it because before I got pregnant this time, I was in the best shape I've ever been in, and I can't wait to get back to that... I have weightlifting goals just waiting to be met....but how soon and easy will that even be? Is it because while I'm just typing this short first blog I have 2 kids whining "you did not make chocolate chip muffins yet?" "Can I have a banana?" "Did you snip the picture I drawed yet?" "I want more juice." "Mommy!! ::cries::"  ?

I just read an article about postpartum (http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/5343907?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000037), which is why I suddenly got the courage to actually internet talk about my fears this time around. How is it that this time is so much more scary?? Is it really? Or am I just being a normal hormonal pregnant mommy? I'm just glad that I have such an amazing husband, the best friends and the best family by my side. Thanks in advance everyone. <3 I really really can't wait for us all to see this beautiful new bundle of love!!  

Happy 1st blog post to me! 
-Cookie