I think I wish things were easier.

Just when I thought that I got the '3 kids thing' figured out, I realized I didn't..because Moon Unit started walking. And not just like a few steps...walking all the time. Everywhere. Climbing. Everything. Getting into everything. Doing everything she shouldn't. Awesome and Christmas call her Godzilla, and it kinda fits. Haha!! 

I wish we could take more trips to the beach. I really wanted to do that this summer. I thought the beach was tough with 2 kids. And before that, I thought it was tough with just 1. Hah!! I thought Target was hard with just 1 kid. Amateur.  

I'm not a patient person. And I have a lot of plans. A career is in the works for me. Career stuff for Walter. Moving out of the city. Schools. New cars. Hobbies that I swear I (we*) are going to take up. Tattoos (come on, who doesn't have some of those in their plans!?). Working out more. Lots of new plans. But, man, am I impatient. I know, I know. I'll miss all of this. And I will. I get emotional just thinking about it. Which just makes all of my being impatient even harder. I just wish things we easier. I wish we had a baby sitter sometimes. I wish my husband and I could go out for dinner - just us. Or go to a ball game alone. Or both of us go Christmas shopping, or birthday present shopping for the kids. Or just go out for a milkshake alone. But other times I'm so glad we don't. Seriously. I really am glad that we don't depend on anyone, just each other and ourselves. I wish things were easier and different sometimes. But really, I love the heck out of where we are, right. freaking. now. I'll complain and say that I can't wait for certain things. But that's just me. So while I wait, I'll just keep being super duper happy (and a bit whiney..). Sorry for being so annoying Walter. ;) 

<3

October 22, 2009.

October 22. This day is so special. Today, 5 years ago, was a day that changed mine and my husbands lives forever. 5 years ago, I had a 'gut feeling' that I was pregnant. I was never pregnant before, I didn't even know what it would feel like.. No idea. I just felt it. So after a few days, Walter and I went to Walmart. We picked up a test. The kind that says with words "pregnant" or "not pregnant" so there'd be no mistake with lines. "Results 5 days sooner...5 days!? It takes that long to find out!?" Walter asked me. Then, I watched my boyfriend feel uncomfortable purchasing a pregnancy test at the register. It was all as if we were in an episode of Friends or something. This wasn't exactly planned, even though after a talk before hand, it wasn't exactly not planned either. Anyway.. I smoked my last cigarette (ever! ew!), I took that pee, I came out to the sound of Knocked Up, by Kings of Leon (good one, babe!), I stood leaning against the bedroom wall with my legs shaking so bad that I had to sit down. Then.... There it was "pregnant". PREGNANT!!!! I was pregnant. We were having a baby. What an incredible day. And here we are, 5 years, a wedding, 3 babies, a new city, and the happiest life later. How amazing. Life is amazing. I'm so in love with my husband, and I really like him too! We're so lucky to have each other, to spend the rest of our lives together. I don't think any two people have ever been so right for each other. 

These last 5 years have been more than I feel that I deserve. I'm so thankful. 

Camera phones weren't what they are today.. Hah! 

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I was 41 weeks pregnant in this picture. Awesome was born the next day. 

3 months of 3 kids.

Moon, you're 3 months old now. You've rolled belly to back a few times, you smile a LOT, you eat a lot too..you're huge! You wear clothes, anywhere from 6-12 months in size! Haha! According to those annoying growth charts (that I don't pay attention to and your pediatrician doesn't even tell us about) you're above 95% for both height and weight for your age. You're pretty great. You're big brother and sister think you're just fabulous (well, you are!) and they love to pet you..that's what Christmas calls it. Christmas likes to hold you and squeeze your cheeks. Awesome likes looking at you. I catch him just staring at you, smiling, all the time. He tells us how cute you are. You've got some great older siblings. When you can start actually playing with them, you're going to be ecstatic! I kinda think you're going to be one of those babies that starts walking super early, so you can try to keep up with Awesome and Christmas. (Please don't though. Please stay a baby forever.)

So we're 3 months in to having 3 kids now. It's hard. It's fun! We all have our moments. I don't know why daddy and I have started trying to drink only water...with 2 toddlers and an infant, that just sounds ludicrous. Caffeine seems like a necessity. We'll figure that one out. Awesome has a baby book. With pretty much the whole first half filled in. Christmas has a baby book, I think her name is in it.. Moon Unit, my dear, you don't even have a baby book. Ugh. When we became parents, I told myself this wouldn't happen. I said that every page, every question, would be filled in. Every detail. That's ridiculous. It was a romantic idea, something to shoot for. But I can't. I think about it more often than I should. I let it get me down more than it should. I hope you don't hate me for that some day. Luckily, I take hundreds of pictures a week. You basically will have a flip book to look at. I may not have all of your firsts written down, but I bet I have a picture or video!

I planned on writing more, but I completely lost track of my thoughts. While writing this, I've had to stop to draw random fruits and vegetables on a magna doodle, and calm down a tantrum.. And right now Awesome is starting the "sissy is touching me" stuff. So...

Until next time. 

I've been thinking.

I have been seeing a few articles about parents with (young) transgender kids. They are some pretty beautiful articles. Good reads for sure. And they've really got me thinking. 

I have thought to myself before about the possibility of 1 (or 2, or all 3) of my kids being gay. My only hope for my children and their sexuality is that they're proud, happy and feel no reason to hide it from me, daddy or the world. 

I never thought about the possibility of any of my children being transgender. I was lucky enough to be born into a body of the gender that I feel is truly me. I'm very thankful for that. Others aren't as lucky. Others know from the very beginning that something is off, something is wrong.. And some people change it, while others don't. Some people go through depression. The fact that some of these "some people" are 5 year old kids, brings tears to my eyes. I can't even begin to imagine what these kids are feeling. I want to hug them, every single one. I want every kid that these kids meet, to be 100% understanding. Maybe understanding isn't the right word. I just don't want these kids to be judged or looked at any differently. By other kids or adults. If any of my children ever feel that the gender that they are now, isn't who they really are, I have the same hopes for them... For them to be happy, proud and feel no reason to hide it from anyone ever.

I feel like I can easily say that Walter and I are raising our children to feel comfortable with who they are. Gender norms are out the window for anything our kids want to do. I just hope that they don't listen too much to what society has to say about anything. Awesome has worn multiple dresses and skirts. He loves to paint his nails and wear "fancy shoes" (dress up high heels). He loves that stuff right now. But recently he asked me if ballet is only for girls. That sucks! Why would he even think that or question it? All this work we've done to teach our children that NOTHING is "just for girls" or "just for boys" and he asks that. Of course I told him "NO WAY!!" But with his 4 year old mind, that was the end of the conversation. So who knows if he believes me or even cares. 

I want the best for my kids. I want the best for all kids, but I'm just working on my own right now. I want my kids to be 100% happy, comfortable and themselves. I want other kids and adults to feel the same about themselves and my children. If my kids want to wear clothes that aren't typical for their gender, I don't want anyone to question them or make them feel uncomfortable. Walter and I have worked hard to get our children to where they are, and 1 comment can damage that so fast. 

There are about 1billion things that I've thought about my children having, being, doing, what ifs..

I just really really hope that comfortable is on their list of what they are. I want them to always be comfortable. Not with just me and daddy, but with the world. 

This is the latest post I've read. 

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/5760738?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000037

I'd like to read the book too. 

No time.

I would like to blog more. A lot more. Daily would be amazing! Once a week would be great. Once a month would be realistic and super! I can hardly make sure I shower and brush my hair every day. So blog, and blog readers.. I'm sorry. 

Let me try to get some quick thoughts out.

Moon Unit is 7 weeks (and 2 days) old. She sleeps great, eats great, is gaining weight like a champ and is ridiculously cute. We've gotten the cutest little smiles out of her. She's got rolls on rolls. She still just has peach fuz for 'hair' and it's beautiful. She's an amazing baby. 

Awesome continues to be the best big brother ever. He's dying to give Moon a bottle, and I just pumped, so he will be able to today. He is so smart, and gets smarter every day. Some of the things he says..we're blown away. He's going to be starting preschool soon... Ahhh! MY BABY!! As scared and nervous as I am, I'm super excited too. Awesome has been asking to go to school since he learned what it is. He loves learning and friends. He's going to do so well. I can't wait to see this new step for Awesome.

Christmas is suuuuuch a great big sister! She is all over "New Baby" (as the kids call her. lol) always asking "Where is new baby?" "Can I kiss new baby?" "Can new baby come?" "Can I hold new baby?" "New baby is looking at me!" followed by the happiest smile. She is still in her terrible two stage, but she is getting better. Less tantrums. Phew! I can't get over how smart this girl is, stubborn too. I know every parent thinks their kid is the next Steve Jobs (or whoever you want to say) but seriously. Her brains and stubbornness...while a tough combo for us as parents now, it'll be great for Christmas later. 

My husband! Ahh my babe. We have about 7 billion things going on in our lives (literally ;) 7 billion lol). We have just recently sort of figured out how to get some good baby free time with little at home date nights with long talks, big decisions and fun with just each other. Its really great. Like really really great. I'm so in love. 

Baltimore!! EK! We're coming for ya!! I don't have much news on this yet. Just that we have started our process. It's not happening tomorrow. But it's happening. We are beyond stoked for this move. I love Philly, and I always will. The memories we have made here are perfect. But, Baltimore....I don't even have the words to explain how excited I am. We all are! Ahhhhhhh!!!!!! SO. EXCITEDDDD. 

And now that I managed to get some thoughts out inbetween the kids, cleaning, not showering and whatever else I'm supposed to be doing.. I guess I'll get back to work now. Awesome has been asking for grapes since I started typing.  Sorry dude. 

Month 1.

Here we are! We have made it 1 full month of 3 kiddos. Would I be absolutely insane if I said it wasn't too hard? It was hard, but now that I'm looking back on it, it wasn't so bad. There were too many fun, cute, really special moments to think about the hard stuff. Moon is a great sleeper. Awesome and Christmas have their nights of crappy sleep, but they're pretty good now too. We have figured out how to leave the house and enjoy some time out and about. Thank god for babywearing!! Moby and Ergo, I'd be lost without you! I would be completely lost without my amazing husband. Walter.. You have managed to get even cooler and greater than you were, the day we met at the burrito shop. You're the best father. you really are. Thank you. Thank you for telling me (and then telling me again when I don't listen the first time) "go upstairs with Moon, just lay around and nurse, watch at least 1 tv show.. I'll bring you a snack." or "I'm taking the big kids to the park, relax at home with the baby." and for our babies are sleeping late dinner date nights. Or when you tell me to run to the store completely alone while you wrangle Awesome and Christmas while holding and rocking Moon. You have no idea how much all of that means to me. I don't think I fully know either. But I know I need it and I really appreciate it. Awesome, you're such a good big brother. You've got so much love, and your sisters are lucky to have you. Christmas, it's really exciting to see you as a big sister. The way you smile at Moon. The way your whole demeanor changes. The way you stop, rub her arm and quietly say "I love new baby."  Moon, you're 1 month old today. You're beautiful and you have added to our already pretty fantastic family. 

I love this. 

A letter to Moon.

Dear Moon, 

I'm not even sure what to call you. Moon. Moon Unit. Snoopy (that's what your big brother named you before you were born). New Baby (that's what me, daddy, Awesome and Christmas have all been calling you for a while now). Anyway.. Today you're 1 week old. I know 1 week doesn't seem old, at all. But to me, right now, it is. I was just pregnant with you, just in labor, just getting to see your beautiful face for the first time. And now, I've been staring at you for a whole week. 

You're incredibly loved, Moon. 

The way your daddy looks at you. The way he rocks you. The way he talks to you. The way he wanted you. The way he named you...I hope you love your name, because it means so so much to your daddy, Moon Unit Zappa Smith. 

Your brother and Sister argued over who got to hold you, the first time they saw you in the hospital. The way they smile when we carry you into the room. The way they gently touch your hands. The way they give you little kisses. I'm sure that'll all change, and you'll all be fighting over something, soon enough. But they sure do love you, and always will. 

I'm nursing you right now as I type this letter to you. This is one of my favorite things to do right now-nurse you. You're always gorgeous, but they way you look while nursing is so special. Ahh and your ears.. I loooove your little baby ears. And nose! And cheeks! And thighs! I could go on forever. The little sounds you make. You're not much of a crier. Yet. You have that new baby smell, such a good smell! 

Thank you for joining our family. I hope you like us. ;) We definitely like you! 

Love, 

Mommy

Moon Unit Zappa Smith

July 11, 2014

12:35am

8lbs 11oz

21in

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